This is a concept that, at times, is absolutely alien to me. Like this last few days. You may have noticed I've slipped a tad in my outlook, somewhere in the back of my mind I'm aware of it as well. I know what to do. I could write a frikkin book about what to do. The problem is, I JUST DON'T WANT TO. Full stop. This week, Bitchface is in the driving seat, and she resolutely despises my doing anything that might be construed as being nice to myself (unless it takes the form of a Haribo/creme egg fuelled sugar trip, this she wholeheartedly endorses because then I can beat myself up over how bad my diet is, how I'm gaining weight etc etc).
So, I'm off work, still on sick leave, well into my fourth month now. I'm in the recovery phase. I'm tired after a lot of broken nights last week, as well as the occasional energy sapping tantrum to deal with. I've just found out that when I do get back to work, it will be to a completely new role in a new department, one in which I have exactly zero experience. I don't do change, at all. Have I ever mentioned that? Change freaks me. This is a biiiiiig change, and it's freaking me. So, what have I got? Tired, anxious, change, and the other biggie, guilt. Guilt is coming to the fore big time this week, thanks again Bitchface. Why? I feel guilty for being at home while Hubby is at work, for not getting more done around the house, for letting things slide a little, for the impact that has, and sure while we're at it, I may as well take responsibility for the horrendous lack of summer we're currently experiencing. In short, I feel guilty about everything. Flags are flying all over the place (the warning kind, not the celebratory kind).
I just had a session with my counsellor, who pointed out all of the above to me, as well as the root cause. I'm tired. The problem is I don't feel tired. I don't notice that I'm tired until I reach the point of keeling over, at which stage the damage is done. If I spent any length of time looking in the mirror I'd probably see the tiredness on my face, apparently I have quite impressive circles under my eyes. So, the solution? STOP. Relax. Be kind to myself. Three things that sound absolutely wonderful, but are borderline incomprehensible to me in my current frame of mind. But I have to try, because if I keep pushing myself, keep listening to Bitchface, and keep berating myself for not doing whatever it is she thinks I should be doing, it won't take long for me to end up back at the bottom of a nasty black hole. In fact, it will take no time at all.
Labels: change, depression, guilt, kindness, recovery, relapse, relaxation, Self care, tiredness