I realise I'm posting a lot at the moment, but writing yesterday really helped bring things back into focus for me, and I could use some of that today. The knot is bigger and I'm feeling physically shaky. Again, no reason at all, or at least none that's jumping out at me. That's the nature of the beast.
I think when I first started writing this blog, the momentum and excitement of it really carried me through. Prior to that my distraction tactic of choice was painting (walls, nothing more artistic than that). But now, as with the painting, the novelty of doing something new has worn off, and while I'm still getting so much from the writing, the actual excitement is fading. I'm back to good day bad day territory, and I really, REALLY don't like that. I know this will pass, just like it did yesterday. But quite frankly, that's not helpful. I'm tired of waiting for it to pass, knowing that it will just come back again. Platitudes, from myself or anyone else, aren't helpful.
Someone told me yesterday that my writing is pretty raw. That's the point. I don't want to sugar coat it. I'm not going to be falsely optimistic, and tell you that once I do x, y and z, the bad mood will lift, never to return. I'm just writing what is, at least for me. And that means that some days everything is wonderful, I'm well, happy and optimistic and I can see good in life. Other days are like today, where I know it's going to be a bit of work to get myself through the day, to keep moving rather than give into the temptation of sitting and staring at nothing for hours on end. Some days will just be hard.
I've just read back over the above and I get a sense that Bitchface is coming out in what I've written. I'm at the point of berating myself for feeling low. That's a mistake. I know that a low mood doesn't always need a reason. I know it can come and go like waves. I can fight with it, try and push it to one side, that won't change anything. Or, I can try and accept that right now, that's how I feel, and maybe just go easy on myself until it passes. Which it will.
One of my dogs, Tim, is particularly sensitive to my moods. Hubby and I have both noticed it, any time I'm low he will invariably watch me a lot more closely, follow me around, or else sit on or beside me. As I type, he's on my lap being particularly attentive. It's helping. Writing this has helped. Thank you.
That's Tim there, on the left. The other is Daisy. Sometimes a dose of unconditional love from a warm bundle of fur is the answer to everything!!!
Labels: acceptance, Self care