I've just been with Therapist and she's challenged me to do something this week. I'm to try and just accept where I am, accept that I mostly feel like utter shite, and not try and force it to change. She compared forcing the change to trying to force open a door that has a wedge under it - the more you push, the more it sticks. I'm going to try but it's going to be hard. I'm shaky as hell right now, and in dangerous territory. I don't want to write, to talk to anyone, I don't want to get out with my dogs, I've only just rediscovered yoga and it's on the way out the window already. All I want to do is hide away as much as I can and eat ridiculous amounts of chocolate. She's pretty confident this is all down to stress at work. I think I probably agree, but right now I don't care why this is happening, the fact is it's happening and I feel powerless and out of control. I'm so angry that it's had this impact on me, that I've let it have this impact on me. I feel like if I was anyone else, someone who didn't have depression lurking in the background, I'd have handled it all so much better. Therapist doesn't agree. She reckons it would be tough on anyone.
So that's where I'm at. A shaky, snotty, puffy-eyed, tear streaked mess who feels pretty much overwhelmed. I don't want to let it spread. I don't want to let it take over. So I'll try and do what she says, I'll try and just accept where I'm at and how I feel, and hope that by not forcing the issue it will pass that much quicker. It's not going to be easy. I hate having to tell Hubby I'm not doing well again, but I promised him I wouldn't hide it from him (he'd know anyway). We'll get through it. It will pass. I'm going to go paint a wall.
Labels: acceptance, challenges, control