In all the excitement (??!) of getting into work yesterday I forgot to take my medication, and I'm paying a high price today. It's incredible the difference even 12 hours can make with these drugs. At least I'm hoping that's what it is. The last few weeks haven't been great but today is different. I feel like I'm in mental and emotional lock down. I'm not myself, at all. I don't know how to describe it, it's not the bubble, but it's definitely not me when I'm well. I'm withdrawn, I want to be alone. My reactions are all over the place. I've spent the day trying to remind myself that this will pass, that it's probably just a drug related blip, but it doesn't make the feelings any easier to contend with. I am not a particularly nice person to be around when I'm like this, and I'm very conscious of that. Hubby is trying so hard, but every time he tries (very gently I might add) to give me an alternative view, my blood just boils. That's not fair. It's this part that often makes me think it would be easier on my family if I weren't here. That sounds very melodramatic, but it's not intended to. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal or anything like it. But the burden of having someone with depression in the house is immense, there's no getting away from that, and I can't help but feel that giving my family a break from me when I'm like this would be the kinder thing to do. Of course the other side of that is that when I'm like this my judgement is completely skewed and I can't be trusted to make a decision about what I want to eat, never mind what's best for my family, so that's not a decision I'm going to make. What I need to do now is just get through the next few days till things balance out again, and try and remember that it is more than likely literally a chemical adjustment that's causing this. It's unpleasant, but I've had so much worse. As long as I keep myself distracted, I'll be fine. The thoughts that are foremost in my mind right now are really unhelpful, distraction will help me not listen to them. It's the weekend, hopefully the weather won't be too bad and we can just have some fun with the kids. This will pass.
Labels: behaviour, decisions, family, judgement, Medication, negative thoughts, support