Those of you who are keeping up with me on Facebook know I've been feeling a tad emotional the last few days. Those of you who aren't.......well, now you know! I'm putting it down to my imminent return to work, and everything that's going with that.
I haven't worked for 4 months. I was also off last year, again due to depression, for 4 months. In between I worked, on and off, for 4 months. During that time I had to take days off here and there due to feeling low, and really from mid December on I was on a steady decline. So, you can probably understand my anxiety. I'm really scared that the same thing will happen again. But I have to keep reminding myself that this time things are different. For starters, I'm going back to a different department, a whole new beginning. The pressure of my previous post no doubt contributed to how bad things got, and going back there would have been a huge mistake. That said, I'm incredibly nervous about starting somewhere new. I hate being the new girl, actively hate it. I may(!!) have mentioned once or ten times that I'm not good with change. Going back to work, after four months, to a whole new job (in which I have no experience) and a whole new set of people, is a hell of a lot of change in one go. To make matters more complicated, I was informed on Friday that I may or may not be staying in the new post, but there's no clarity on that yet, they'll keep me posted. So, I could be faced with another change in a few days, a week, a month.............who knows? Not helpful. But I can't focus on that. I have to see it as a new beginning.
So how has all this made me feel the last few days? Anxious as hell for starters. I'm on thin ice, or as Hubby put it, I'm in enemy territory, but I haven't been spotted yet. Yesterday and Friday I was shaky, by yesterday evening the anxiety had gone to be replaced by an all too familiar low. Sleep isn't great, appetite is gone.Woke up this morning not feeling a whole lot better. I had planned to meet a friend, and spent quite a while trying to decide whether or not to cancel, but that would be giving in. I hadn't seen C in months, she always makes me smile, cancelling would be letting Bitchface take control. So, I went in, we chatted at speed for ages, I felt better. Talking helps. It always, always helps. I wish I could remember that when I'm not feeling great!!
The next couple of days could be pretty tough, I've got to try and look after myself. It's on my mind that I've been warned any major change could trigger another episode. Apart from anything else, even the routine of being back at work will probably come as a shock. But I have to remember that I'm going back as a completely different person to the one who left in January. A new job doesn't have to be so terrifying, it's a whole new set of people and the law of averages would say that I'm bound to get along with at least one of them!! My job isn't all that I am, I've talked about this before. Right now, it's a means to an end. I'll go in, do my hours, and come home to the important parts of my life.
Labels: anxiety, change, control, depression, emotion, work