Undercurrents

I'm not feeling great today. I have a thumper of a headache, I'm dizzy and my mood is a bit rubbish. I'm also quite fuzzy and finding it hard to articulate myself, verbally at least, so humour me if I ramble!

I went out for a walk this morning with the dogs (very proud of myself, I've managed 4 out of 5 mornings this week). Allow me to paint you a picture


This is where I was walking, but this morning the sky was blue, with just a few high clouds. There was a slight mist rising from the water, and the sun was breaking through the trees at the right, making these beautiful slanting rays through the mist onto the water. It was so quiet I could hear the breathing of the cows across the river, some sheep in the distance and nothing else. The water was like glass. So I stopped walking, and just stood and looked. And for just a few seconds, the noise in my head also stopped. The endless spiral of thoughts stopped and I felt peaceful. 

I'm trying to hold onto that feeling, because at the moment there is a constant dark undercurrent threatening to pull me down. I talked about it with Hubby on the way to work this morning. There's nothing in particular going on other than Therapist being away. But I'm at the point of deciding that working with her isn't helping, and that's never a good sign. I'm very wary of being dependent on her, possibly too much so, and am extremely conscious of just how long I've been seeing her. It doesn't feel right. I'm not happy with how things are going with my medication, the side effects are starting to outweigh any benefit I'm getting from it, which quite frankly doesn't seem to be a whole lot anyway, and I'm worried it's not working as well as it should any more. We've already established that I can't physically tolerate a higher dose, so I'm not sure what my options are. 

Hubby did make some valid points in response to this though. Of course he did, he's my hero! On Therapist - he compared it to my being reliant on my doctor for treatment for a long term illness, and that doctor being away. That would be unsettling. She's not providing me with medication, but she is providing treatment, and the security of that isn't there right now. So it makes sense that I'm unsettled. He also pointed out that this need to stop seeing her is a cycle I repeat whenever I'm not feeling great. As for medication? Well just a couple of weeks ago it went up, and then down again, so I could still be in a re-balancing phase. I won't be seeing the psychiatrist again till August, so by then we should have a better idea of how things are going with it. 

So there you have it. My head isn't a particularly fun place to be today, but I'm still standing. I went for coffee with someone I hadn't seen in a while (yes, I put on the happy face, there's a time and a place for honesty) but it helped. It's Friday. Other than school uniform shopping, we've no plans for the weekend beyond getting some rest and catching up with each other. Therapist is back next week, I just need to mind myself the next few days and then hopefully she'll help me find my way back to the straight and narrow. The sun is still shining outside. I'll be ok. 

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