I can't quite find the words to describe how I'm feeling right now. Confused and a bit bleugh is probably as close as I can get. I'm just back from the psychiatrist, and had a reasonable conversation with her about my medication. I've mentioned before that I'm having a lot of side effects, the most recent bunch being cause for concern, and so I've to go for blood tests as it seems to have raised my prolactin levels. If it's a case that it has, then it's likely I'll need to change to something else. But here's the problem - the list of things that a) work and b) don't cause dangerous side effects, is shrinking rapidly. So then what? She discussed the possibility of changing to something new today, but we agreed that there's too much at stake to go messing with it now, until we know for sure that we have to. Which is what has me confused!! A month ago, feck it, last weekend, I would have jumped at the chance to stop taking this medication, but when it became an actual possibility, I got scared. Maybe this is a good thing - maybe I'm that bit closer towards accepting where I am, or at least accepting that I need help to be where I am. I don't know. Right now it doesn't feel like a good thing.
In other news, I had my dreaded session with Therapist. As expected, it was tough. It's really difficult to have conflicted feelings about someone, and to have to talk to them about it because they're the only one who can make sense of it. But I didn't avoid it. I had talked about it with Hubby, I had blogged about it, and I knew that if I didn't sort it out, I wouldn't be able to continue working with her, which would be a really bad thing. Needless to say, she wasn't phased in the slightest, and of course, it's all about me and how I see myself. I won't bore you with those details!! But, it was a massive relief to talk about it, and as one reader told me, despite being difficult,
'It is also - your eyes may boggle - such a wonderful opportunity you now have. Difficult and uncomfortable - I've learned that that's the growing time........ The work you might start on now with your therapist, and make no bones about it, it is work, could be very important to you. Go in, trust yourself and her and be open'.
She was right. It was an incredibly useful session, and I'm so glad that I didn't turn and run, because if I had, I'd be carrying all that bad feeling with me, with no way to get rid of it. (As an aside, it's comments like this, coming from people I've never met other than virtually, that are making a huge difference for me, and I can't say enough how much I value that. Thank you!!)
So there you have it. As you can probably tell from the slightly disjointed nature of this post, my head is a bit all over the place today. I'm not in great form, but I'm not in the horrors either. I feel like I'm in limbo again, both physically while I wait to find out what's happening with meds, and emotionally because I just can't put my finger on how I am today. So I'll just go with it. It will pass. If you've managed to read this to the end well done!!
Labels: acceptance, blogging, Medication, psychiatrist, psychotherapy, side effects, support, therapist