Going with my gut

I'm en route to Dublin - kudos to citylink for their most excellent wifi speed. It's been a few days since I last posted, the was such a flurry of posts last week when I wasn't feeling great that I figured you could use a break!!! That and things have been pretty busy. So where am I at? Thankfully, since the turn around of last Friday I'm still doing well. I saw Therapist yesteday and had a really positive session, on a few fronts.

I suppose the big one right now is tomorrow's conference.Those of you keeping up with me on facebook will be well familiar with this by now, those of you who aren't, here it is!!!! Rigt now, I'm mostly excited. Hubby was drilling me on the way in this morning on presentation techniques, the powerpoint is done, I know what I want to say. Now all I have to do is say it!! But while I was with Therapist yesterday I had a bit of a eureka moment about all this. A year ago, the very thought of even attending a conference alone, never mind something so crazy as speaking at it, would have had me tied up in knots for weeks. I'm not kidding, I would literally do anything to try and avoid events like this, and if I had no choice but to attend, I would walk into the room feeling as though everyone was staring at me, lauging at me, talking about me......I would sweat, shake, my heart would be racing and I would find myself a seat as secluded as possible. Once in said seat, I would make myself as physically small as possible for fear people might notice me. This is social anxiety, and it's absolutely horrible. Even worse would be some kind of training event at work, you know, the sort where you have to sit around in a circle, introduce yourself etc. Cakewalk for a lot of people but the stuff of nightmares for me. This was a problem for me as long as I can remember. But I digress. What I realised was that this is no longer an issue, at all.  I'm not only attending this confence, but I'm speaking at it. I went to a training day at work recently and coped just fine. I've even got myself involved with a well etablished community group and attended actual meetings, where I expressed opinions!!! Again, no bother for some of you, but until recently absolutely unthinkable for me.

So, other positives fom yesterday. There was something hanging over me at work, going back to the role I was in before the last episode. I didn't realise just how much this particular thing was bothering me (apologies for being vague but I'm not prepared to go into detail publicly about work), but a decision had to be made that I was having a really hard time with. I spoke to Hubby, Mam, friends, Therapist, but I just couldn't make up my mind, because if I went with my gut it would result in some serious bridge burning, and I was worried also about consequences. In the end, I went with my gut, got the response I expected, and not only burnt the bridge but smashed it to smithereens. But do you know what? I felt so, so much better for it!! I knew, as soon as I settled on my dcisin, that it was the right thing to do. And here's the positive - I never trust myself to make the right decision on anything, and will always defer to someone else, typically Hubby or Therapist. But yesterday she asked me to tell her about a bad decision I'd made recently, and I couldn't, not on any of the important stuff - family, kids, work, finances.......so my homework for this week is to remember that I DO know what's best for me (most of the time anyway). I also know that I can't be trusted to make the right decision when I'm low, but in that case I just need to remember to wait. That's progress!!!

Ok, one last thing then I'm done. Transference with Therapist. We're talking about it a lot now. We're both aware of it. It's part of the process, and means we have a good working relationship. But the need I feel sometimes that Therapist is the only one with answers? That isn't going to go away. It's acknowledged, and I just have to learn to get comfortable with it, and know what there's nothing shameful about it. Easier said than done, but I guess if I stop fighting with it and trying to change it, then I'll get there. It is what it is!!

So there you have it. Today is good. I'm about an hour from Dublin, and looking forward to seeing my sister and my folks. I'm excited about tomorrow. Mostly I'm just really happy to be back to myself again.

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