Today is not good. My concentration is shot to bits, I can't focus on anything. I have a knot in my stomach that's making me feel sick and it feels as though there's a physical weight pressing down on my chest. I'm having to remind myself not to hold my breath. I'm doing everything I should be doing. I got up this morning for my yoga, I'm walking, I followed through with Therapist yesterday, I'm taking my medication.............but something isn't right. I'm on edge, I nearly leapt out of my seat when I saw something move unexpectedly out of the corner of my eye. I'd rather be alone than talk to anyone, and suspect if left alone I would spend a lot of time staring at nothing. I feel incredibly guilty about a variety of things, non of which are worth mentioning other than to say there's a lot of unnecessary guilt going on. I feel very self conscious. All of this together? Bleugh.Just bleugh. Only worse.
I want to go home. Hubby is working late tonight so he won't be there. But my kids will be. This evening will be about doing whatever I can to make sure we're all ok. Last night I sat down and spent ages colouring with them, which was remarkably therapeutic. I think this evening will be the same. Little steps. Smaller even, baby steps. There'll have to be a lot of cuddles, for me to be ok and so I can let them know that they don't need to worry. I'll make the house as cosy as I can. When the kids go to bed, I'll try and read for a while (I finally found a book I can concentrate on. A kids book
. Yes, really. Don't judge me, my brain is stressed and it's actually a remarkably entertaining series). I need to be careful now, really careful. I need to keep calm, and wait for this to pass. I need to breathe.
Labels: guilt, Self care, symptoms, thought spiral, walking, yoga