I'm at home. Yesterday was horrible - emotional, exhausting, physically I felt like crap. I tossed back and forth for hours about whether to take today off - was I copping out? Should I just work through it? I spoke to Hubby. I spoke to Therapist. Both agreed it was time to step back. Quite a few other folk gently suggested that maybe a few days to myself would be of help. In fairness, they're probably right. If I was feeling like this and there wasn't a biochemical reason for it I'd probably be pretty concerned and taking time off anyway.
So, here I am. I know what I need to do today. I need to try and catch up on some rest, do a good long yoga practice, get some air, and generally look after myself. I also need to make sure I don't let the day drift by with me staring at the interweb/walls, not doing anything to help myself feel better and getting frustrated at what I know I would end up perceiving as a waste of time.
So far? I've tried to get some sleep but that hasn't worked out. It's hard enough to come by at night so I guess I was prepared for it to be a non runner. Still, I've been in bed, so that has to count for something. There has been interweb time (obviously, I'm here, writing this), but it doesn't feel like time wasted. Except for the time I spent ogling clothes I can't buy. That could be construed as time wasting. I've had a good browse of my yoga site and I think I've settled on the practice I want to do. I know, 100%, that I'll feel better for doing it, I just need to get started.
These few days are so important. I'm aware that what's going on and how I'm feeling is all down to chemicals leaving my body (kudos to anyone who can give up smoking, it must be horrendous. I don't want these drugs at all and it's still a nightmare, can only imagine how much harder it would be if I was actively craving them). I think I probably also need to be aware that it would be incredibly easy to fall back into old patterns now, and allow Bitchface the chance to take over again. While I was with Therapist yesterday we talked about contolling angry impulsive behaviour, which for me could realistically spiral very quickly. If that happens, then all my energy has to go into resolving it, again. I've already danced that dance and it's not fun. So instead, I work now to stop the impulses from getting a hold. Simple, right?!
So, here's the plan - up, yoga, shower, eat, walk. And then? Read maybe, or bake. Or both. I need calm, quiet and stability. I'm the only one here right now, so it's up to me to make that happen. I'll let you know how it goes!
Labels: bitchface, compassion, kindness, Self care, self worth, sleep, slowing down, stability, withdrawal, yoga