So here's a conundrum. I'm so tired I feel sick. My eyes are burning (there may have been a few tears earlier, always good for the burny eye after effect). But, I don't want to go to bed. Sleep is not restful right now. It takes forever to get there, and then when I do sleep, I spend most of the night having incredibly frantic, disturbing dreams and wake up feeling exhausted. Staying in bed in the morning makes me feel guilty and worthless and is a little too reminiscent of my last loola holiday. My world has shrunk rapidly to a very small, very safe bubble this last couple of days. The virtual world is safe. I can get lost in the various bits I'm doing for and around the blog, and that feels constructive. But the actual world outside my door? Not so safe. My GP has signed me out of work for the next week. He's reasonably confident that all of this is down to withdrawal, but as he said himself, we've been here before. If it lasts much more than another week........well we'll cross that bridge when/if we come to it. Hopefully not going to be an issue.
So there you have it. I don't know if I'm writing this so that you can reassure me that all will be well, or on the off chance that anyone reading who has been through the same thing has any words of wisdom they can offer. Maybe I just don't want to be sitting here staring at the fire thinking myself into a hole so writing seems preferable. Mostly I'm just at a bit of a loss tonight, and I'm scared. Tomorrow will be easier, right??
Labels: functioning, guilt, mood, relapse, Rumination, self doubt, sleep, thought spiral, tiredness, withdrawal