Today I would quite like to give in. Given the choice, I would willingly check into the nuthouse so I can just hide from the world, properly, until this is over. I can't begin to describe just how guilty I feel right now for all the stress I'm causing - for Hubby, for my family. They can tell me it's not my fault till the cows come home, but that doesn't lessen the guilt in the slightest and it doesn't lessen their worry. The negative internal commentary telling me to cop myself on, I know so many people who have things so much harder is incredibly loud. I've had lots of lovely suggestions from people* as to how to take care of myself, but I have a remarkable gift for turning them around:
'You have come so far ...a million miles !! and you can do it ,just don't be too hard on yourself if you snuggled up in front of fire with some comfort food and have a little snooze it may help .you must be exhausted x maybe a morning in bad is exactly what you need and deserve !!! Your a hard working mummy so be kind to yourself .... after all your worth it' - sounds lovely. Absolutely lovely. But my reaction?? Hubby is tired too. He's had to work all day and I'm just sitting around doing nothing, there is no reason at all for me to be feeling bad so get on with it.
'Hope you get plenty of REST. It may seem 'unproductive' but it is probably the most productive thing many busy people can get.' Nope. That's just lazy.
'just remember it only has to be good enough to relieve some of the pressure until you get a bit more of your brain back.' Again, nope, I'm just not trying hard enough.
'you seem to be pushing yourself to "must" all kind of things. how about just sitting in the black hole for a bit and looking around instead of trying to get without knowing exactly how deed the hole is? it's not that deep, you can still see light right? sit back and observe for a bit before you start scrambling to get out again, dirty fingernails and all...' there is nothing I'd like to do more. But for all of the above, I can't
|I should probably try and remember this. I'll add it to the list.|
I could continue but you probably get the message and to be honest I'm boring myself right now so would imagine I'm doing likewise for anyone who's read this far. This, right now, is an unholy nightmare. It might be 'just' withdrawal, I know it will pass, eventually, but really??? I couldn't give a flying fuck what it 'just' is, or that it will eventually pass. I feel like shit. End of.
*quotes are taken from comments left on facebook and the blog - if you see yourself here and would rather I didn't quote you, please mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I'll take it down.
Labels: challenges, functioning, guilt, inner critic, Self care, shame, withdrawal