Thankfully there have been no further meltdowns since my last post. That said, it is taking A LOT of effort to keep myself calm. Volatile would be a very polite/diplomatic description of my current frame of mind. Explosive maybe? My head feels like it's stuffed with wire wool - moving my eyes too fast is resulting in very strange sounds, I have a nasty headache and am pretty dizzy. In short, it's like a really, really nasty hangover without the fun of the night before, and the added bonus of virtually no control over my emotions. There have been at least two fraught conversations with Hubby where we've both had to take a step back and acknowledge what's going on and how we're reacting. But, the conversations have been had, so that's a good thing. There's a lot of compromise going on.
We had the big birthday yesterday. I was on very shaky ground and Hubby wasn't feeling well. Thankfully, backup arrived in the form of my folks and my sister (eternally grateful), and Hubby retreated to the safety of a man cave next door to watch some rugby while we marshalled the chaos. I had decided to keep it to his closest friends, so just four extra kids, which was perfect. For me and for him!! If the volume of giggling and pace of running was anything to go by, they had a lot of fun. A fellow blogger provided entertainment for an hour (and for anyone planning a kid's party I'd highly recommend her - Dr. How's Science Wows - kids loved it and we had a relatively calm interlude), we had cake, they went home sugar fuelled (sorry mammies!) and happy, and with the aid of my backup we had the house put back together in record time.
I was wiped last night. Utterly wiped. By the time I got bum to sofa after a long and much needed walk with the dogs, it was 9.30, but I was ok. We watched some mindless telly, cuddled, and had an early night. This morning my head is still like a minefield, but Hubby has taken the kids out for a couple of hours, so the house is mercifully quiet, and once I'm finished here I'm going to go do some yoga and try and get myself in some way grounded. Until this particular storm passes, the best thing I can do for myself is keep things as calm as possible, which isn't exactly the easiest of things to do. I spoke to Hubby about it this morning, we're both very aware of what the other needs, how much we can do for each other, and when it might be necessary to take a step back.
Mostly, this is a pretty unpleasant state of affairs. But as long as we keep talking, and remembering that there's a chemical storm going on in my head right now which is having a huge influence on how I'm feeling/behaving/reacting, we'll be ok. It will pass. Will there be more meltdowns? Entirely possible. Turns out feeling feelings again after a long time being disconnected from them is quite challenging. But I have such great support here, online, and in person with friends and family, I know it will be ok. Also seeing Therapist tomorrow which will help a lot. Now where did I leave my yoga mat........
Labels: anger, boundaries, challenges, compassion, control, family, friends, Medication, mood, Self care, self control, symptoms, withdrawal