I am so angry at the moment. Right now this minute, and in general. It makes me crazy, and I'm not using that word in jest, not now. It makes me behave in ways that I not only don't like, I actively detest. It comes on out of nowhere and can be triggered by pretty much anything - my hair won't sit right, the kids can't decide on what they want to watch, the dogs bark - trivial, every day happening that really shouldn't be an issue, or at most, should be just a mild irritation.
It's making me nervous. It's taking away all my usual fail safe methods of calming myself down. It got my run on Friday. It got my yoga yesterday. I have only once before started a practice and not seen it through to the end, and that was pretty much the day before I went into hospital. And now? Three times in the last three days this has happened. Why? I can't settle enough to even start, or I'm faced with a challenging posture, or today, I simply get interrupted with a request to change the channel. And what happens when there's a yoga fail?? A world of negative self talk. I go beyond frustration to something much, much nastier, and I'm not sure what the word is to describe it. I really, really hate it. I hate what I become.
I've lost track of the number of times my temper has gotten the better of me the last few days. I don't trust myself to react appropriately to anything. It's utterly exhausting. I want to say this isn't me, that I'm not normally like this, but since this whole palaver with stopping meds, angry seems to be closest to the surface. Is that depression? Or is it just me? It certainly wasn't a factor while I was on medication, or at least not to this extent.
The other thing that's going hand in hand with this anger, is extreme guilt, a sense of being absolutely rooted to the spot by indecision, and frequently being overwhelmed by what I want to do v what I should do v what I need to do v what I think I need to do...............does your brain hurt yet?? Because mine does. I'm mostly just incredibly disappointed in myself. I thought I could turn this around. I though I could manage myself. But now that my own weapons in this fight no longer work, where does that leave me?
|I get this. I really do. But the things that help me calm down aren't working any more.......|
Labels: anger, failure, inner critic, running, self control, yoga