Hubby and the kids are coming home today. They've been gone since Saturday, which I think (apart from the time I spent in hospital last year) is the longest I've ever been away from them. The kids have had a ball - they've been spoilt rotten by two sets of grandparents and doting aunts and uncles, have gone exploring in woods, by rivers and had several trips to cafes. I think the break has been good for Hubby too - this last few months have been incredibly hard on him, particularly as I've gotten more volatile, so I hope he was able to step back a bit, be taken care of, and let someone else worry about the kids.

But today, they come home. The plan was that we'd be off tomorrow and Monday, and that they'd go to creche next week, partly to save leave for later in the year, and partly because we weren't sure of how I'd cope with them on my own. As it turns out, the creche don't have space for D next week, so the decision has been taken out of my hands - I'm going to stay home with the kids Tuesday to Friday, and Hubby will go back to work.

Much and all as I don't want to admit this, I'm scared. Really, really scared. The last few weeks of having people step in to either help with the kids or take them away altogether, while absolutely necessary and for the best at the time, have left my confidence in myself as a mother really low. I'm worrying about how to keep them entertained during the day, or how I'll react to the inevitable moments of temper that are bound to happen. I'm worried about my pervasive low mood and lack of motivation - past experience has taught me that this is not a good combination around kids. I'm worried about how tired I am - even with all the time I've had to myself, I'm still needing to go to bed really early and haven't a whole lot of energy during the day. Yesterday back at work floored me.

But on the other hand, there have been some improvements. Admittedly, there has been nothing to test my temper the last few days, but I'd like to think I'm calmer than I have been. I'm two weeks into the new meds now, and apart from some minor but very manageable side effects, so far so good. As far as the kids are concerned?? I know I'm worrying too much, I'm looking at the big picture, trying to plan out the entire week in my head and allowing for any and all variables. Too much. Way, way too much. I know that right now, putting myself under pressure is a trigger, so I need to stay in the present as much as I can. I don't need to plan a multitude of activities for the kids, I can just let the days unfold. I know they're going to be so excited to be home that that will carry us through a few days anyway. Other than that, I'm going to hope for reasonably good weather so we can get outside, and hopefully hang on to the car for a couple of days so we can go for a drive.

Mostly what I want is for the four of us to be able to enjoy each other again for the next few days, and next week, for me to reconnect with my kids without anyone else there to help. I need to get my confidence back. I want to get my confidence back.

Hopefully, lots of this will help. In fact, I know it will. I'm really, really, REALLY looking forward to hugs later. I'm in hug deficit :-)

Labels: , , , , , , ,