Yesterday I was in wicked bad form. By yesterday evening I was catching more than a few warning signs - my mind was racing, therapist was back up on her pedestal, motivation was hard to come by and there was a lot of subconscious deep sighing going on (sorry Hubby, incredibly irritating I know). Another HUGE tell is when I go messing about with the blog layout  - you may have noticed things look a little different around here. I was tired, although not really aware of it. But, bearing in mind all that I'd done over the weekend, I decided to take myself off to bed early and passed out for the night (uninterrupted this time thankfully!)

That said, I still felt fairly crap when I woke this morning. Some of the less pleasant side effects of medication have been rearing their heads again, principally night sweats, which is always a bit nasty to wake up to. I had also had a long and complicated dream that left me with a really bad taste in my mouth, so that combined with waking up in cold, wet sheets meant I really wasn't getting the day off to the best start. But, I went to bed last night planning to run this morning, so I did. I think I was out of the house a good ten minutes before my body even realised I was awake. I came home to find this:

Isn't he a bit of terrific??!
It probably would have been even better if I'd seen it before I headed out, but it stopped me in my tracks and made me smile, because without realising it, I had done just that. I had enjoyed my run, and I felt better for it.

Whatever has been going on with my mood for the last few days has really taken away from the excitement I felt last week after deciding, and more importantly having the decision approved, to go half time. This will be huge for us as a family, absolutely huge. Two full time working parents just has not worked for us. It was never in the plan, not while the kids are young, but became a necessity for a while. Now that childcare costs are finally starting to come down, we can do something to change the situation. I know the kids will be happier - we told them last night and they were so excited to think that they won't have to go to afterschool any more, and that I'll be picking them up from school. Hubby and I will be happier - we'll have so much more flexibility just by virtue of being under less pressure during the week. The massive amount of working mammy guilt that I've been carrying around will be gone, and that can only have a positive impact.

It feels like something of a new beginning really. I'm not under any illusions that it will all be sunshine and roses all the time, but at least I feel like the situation is starting to come back within our control. Summer is coming. I'm taking 7 weeks off work so the kids can be out of care entirely for that time. That's what I need to focus on. My mind is trying really hard to undermine all of this right now, but I'm going to hold on to these hugely positive changes. They're what counts. The rest is just feeling, and it will pass.

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