I'm feeling good today. My online ego has had a wonderful boost off the back of an article in the indo and the success of the weekend's green ribbon Mayfly run. I've had a hefty dose of virtual love come my way and in this moment it feels really nice. So should I really go and spoil it by following through on a thought process I had with Therapist yesterday?
Yes. Here's why.
Ok, maybe spoil it is excessive, but I do need to think on it, because this image exactly highlights the problem. We were talking yesterday about how I might be making a difference to people, that when people can identify with what I write, it helps them. I find it virtually impossible to accept this. We tried to tease out why, and didn't get very far, but the best I can come up with is that to feel like I'm doing something good and worthwhile, and to acknowledge that out loud, is being big-headed, self-centred and generally showing off. Self praise is no praise, right?? I suggested that maybe it was my inherent Irishness - as a nation we're notorious for not being able to take a compliment - but her take on that was that its an Irish trait typically brush off compliments, people generally still accept them on the quiet. Not me. I take compliments, I get a brief warm fuzzy, and then I dismiss them entirely. I get the odd negative comment (thankfully not too many), but these, unlike the short lived feel good of positive and supportive comments, these I believe 110%, because they feed in exactly to the negative loop that tends to play in my head and can undo all the good work of the previous positive comments
Apparently this is all part of the guilt/shame spiral of bpd (yes, I'm back to borderline now. What I'll be calling it tomorrow is anyone's guess. I'll settle eventually), and at the core of what I really need to tackle. Why do I find it so hard to believe that I'm possibly, just maybe, for even one person, helping a tiny little bit? That I may actually have some good qualities??
Another factor in this is that once again, my mood is very much influenced by what's going on around me, and how people are reacting to me (or more to the point, how I perceive them to be reacting). Today my page is flying with comments and shares, and it makes me feel great. Later on, when that slows down, my mood will go down with it. That's where the work is. Developing a filter for myself so that my mood is less defined by feeling and environment, and more by thinking, because at the moment, while I know logically my feeling is way off, I can't seem to change it and no amount of rationalising can think me out of an emotional hole. I don't think I'm explaining that very well, I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense. It's such early days trying to manage bpd, I think I've understood a concept and know what I need to do and then it slips away again.
Anyway, bottom line is, right now, today, filter or otherwise, I'm feeling quietly proud of myself for what I've done this last week. I'm not sure I'll be able to hold on to that, but for now, even glimpsing a sense of pride in myself is enough.
Labels: acceptance, achievement, borderline personality disorder, mood, self worth, understanding