I'm feeling a very deep and strong dislike for myself today. I know why, I know what's brought it up, I know it's irrational and I know I need to work hard to move away from it. But it's really, really tough. I'm caught in a massive tailspin of what people may or may not be thinking of me, and allowing that perceived negative opinion to colour my own sense of myself. It's horrible. I've spend most of the morning trying to apply various DBT methods to bring myself back into reality, but it's been a struggle. I'm disappointed. I don't like feeling like this, and I don't like reacting like this to such minor triggers, but that said, it's an old pattern, one that's very easy to fall into, and one that can annihilate my self esteem if I let it.
I have to pull myself back from it. I have to bear in mind that there are a couple of other factors at play here that are probably feeding my anxiety. Today is the first day of 7 weeks at home with the kids and so far it's been pretty fraught. We're all tired, and tempers are short. I've really been looking forward to the break, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't apprehensive - 7 weeks of keeping two small people busy and happy without ready access to a car is a challenging prospect, and I think would be challenging for most people, not just me. As well as that, being home rather than at work, despite being what I really want, is a change. I'm not good with change, good or bad. It takes me a while to adapt. No more than the kids, I need routine, and while I sometimes resent that need, I can't ignore it. I'm resisting putting a timetable on this time off, I think because I'm worried about sticking to it, or getting too caught up in it. But at the same time, having a loose plan for each week would be no harm at all. The kids are used to a very structured day between school and creche, so some amount of structure at home would be helpful.
This will pass. I know it will. There's no point in fighting it, I have to just let it be and let it work through my system.
Labels: agitation, borderline personality disorder, DBT, emotionally unstable personality disorder, negative thoughts, Rumination, self worth, triggers