I have a track record with medication, it goes something like this - start something new, slow to see improvement, then big improvement, feel great, get back on track, then slowly, slowly start to slide again until I reach the point where it seems whatever medication it is is no longer working. It's happened every time so far (except in the case of those that have had no positive impact at all). The last few days have been a struggle, I've been very discombobulated. For those of you who haven't come across this word before, it could best be described as a general sense of unease, a feeling that something isn't quite right although I'm not sure what. I'm having to try that much harder to keep going than I have been the last few weeks. Patience is in limited supply, and I'm quicker to anger. Hubby is very aware that I'm not quite right, and asked me earlier if I was worried that this means the honeymoon period with the medication was over.
In a nutshell, yes, I am. He isn't, he sees this as a blip and one that will pass as quickly as it started. I hope so. He's probably right, but I really, really don't like this feeling. I've just a week left at work before 7 weeks off with the kids, and where this time last week I was looking forward to it, this evening I'm feeling pretty apprehensive. All the old guilty thought patterns are back - not spending enough quality time with them/forcing them to play out the front when they don't want to/not doing enough 'worthy' (day trips/arts and crafts etc etc) activities with them....................christ!!! Ok, I've caught it, I'm aware of it. Next step??
I don't know. I've done exercise, chocolate and medication, not necessarily in that order. I'm seeing Therapist tomorrow, which is a good thing and bad thing by equal measure. Good because I'm losing perspective and I need to reign it back in, urgently, bad because I feel so ridiculously dependent on her at the moment that I'm ashamed to see her because I'll have to talk about this dependence and it makes me feel horrendous. I am officially my own worst enemy, especially the last few days. The feeling of homesickness is still there, the general sense of being at sea, and a little lost. I'm not sure what would make it better, because I'm not sure what caused all of this in the first place.
So, no more than any other time, I'll keep going. I'll remind myself that this will pass, that it's ok to feel like this, that it won't last forever (can you sense how much I'm not buying into that right now??) I may well be tired, I passed out on the sofa this afternoon with a wicked headache. So, I'll try sleep, and in the morning, yoga. Beyond that? There's a supply of these in the freezer
|Almond magnum. Fixes EVERYTHING|
Labels: agitation, emotion, functioning, Medication, mood, shame, therapist, thought spiral