I'm not feeling great this evening. I saw Therapist earlier, and didn't particularly realise I wasn't feeling great until I went in the door. I suspect it generally takes her about 0.0002 of a second to figure out how a session is going to go before I even open my mouth simply by how I behave as I walk in. I noticed this evening that when I went in I was reluctant to look at her, and by the time I sat down (busily avoiding eye contact) I was shaking. Didn't take much longer for the tears to come. There's no real reason. Ok, it's been a busy ten days since I saw her last - two interviews, a visit from my sister and her family.............
............a couple of wonky days where I tried to figure out the best way to manage sleepiness/meds, on-going negotiations re work/childcare arrangements, a trip to Kildare and then back full tilt to get ready for the week ahead. Actually, I take that back. I can see my reasons right there. I was pretty busy for a solid week. There was a lot of emotional stuff going on, and that's going to impact on me, it always does.
|The sun put in an appearance so we took the kids paddling in the river|
One of the reasons for the almost instantaneous shaking/tears combo with Therapist was a very well aimed question - how was I before the session? (I had mentioned a few weeks back that I was getting overwhelmingly anxious before seeing her). So I had to come clean. I had spent a considerable amount of time yesterday contemplating cancelling, and I wasn't going to get back to her when she offered another appointment next week. I was going to sit back, and wait and see what she'd do, wait for her to come looking for me, prove to me that she cares about where I am and how I'm doing. Of course, this latter part I wasn't really admitting to myself, that only came about as we talked about it today. It makes me feel sick to my core that I can think like this, but she wasn't shocked, or disappointed, or angry that I would contemplate messing about in that way. She simply pointed it out for what it is, and for what I'm struggling to accept - yet another symptom of what I've got. It was all Bitchface, testing the limits, wanting to see how much I could get away with and how hard I can push. She was adamant that this kind of thinking, this incredibly flawed logic, is not who I was meant to be, it is simply a symptom, a sign that I'm not as well as I could be.
She's right of course. When I look back over the last ten days I mostly feel tired, and a bit stretched. I get a huge lift out of doing interviews, but there's definitely an emotional fallout to contend with and I haven't quite mastered the handling of that yet. It was fantastic to have some time with my sister, we don't get to see nearly enough of each other, but it's always bittersweet because goodbye always comes too soon, and my god do I miss her. 5 hours on the M6 would drain anyone, it has to be one of the most boring drives in the country. And, lets not forget the med juggling.
So now I have to try and make things right for myself. I'm going to try my very first DBT lesson, and validate how I feel, by acknowledging that it's real, and that it makes sense. Right now, I feel tired, overwhelmed, and a little sad, and given how busy the last week has been, that's completely reasonable. I'm going to take myself off to bed, try and get a good night's sleep, and with any luck, switch my mind off for just a little while. Tomorrow is another day, right?
Labels: behaviour, bitchface, borderline personality disorder, compassion, DBT, emotionally unstable personality disorder, symptoms, therapist, understanding