That's me today. Demon. Antichrist. Thundering bitch. Cannot keep my cool and I'm so frustrated. Monday was challenging, found it tough going with the kids who were tired, overheated and bickering constantly, and had to fairly seriously lay down some ground rules that had been forgotten (again. Again). Then yesterday was just lovely. We had a lot of fun, a friend I haven't seen in months called out for a while in the afternoon and the kids were in flying form. I felt great - relaxed, in control, connected with the kids.
Today? Monday all over again. Everything I suggest is met by a whine from either/both kids, and I just do not have the patience today to keep calm. I rarely shout at them because shouting only ever makes me worse, never mind them, but I roared at them this morning, and sent them to their rooms. I've never done that before, I don't particularly agree with banishing them as punishment. M was really upset, D didn't know what to do. But I felt like I had to get some distance between the three of us before I properly snapped, so I guess at the time it was probably the best decision.
So, while they were upstairs, poor Hubby got an earful. He made many sensible suggestions, all of which I dismissed outright (sorry hon, I appreciate the effort, I really do). I was too angry to listen, and on the verge of hitting myself to break it. That hasn't happened for a while. Once off the phone I realised that I'm the adult in the house, and it was up to me to calm things down. How can I teach the kids to control their emotions if I can't control my own? Decision made. They were going to get to watch a movie so I could do some yoga (which has been woefully neglected for weeks now and no doubt contributing to my current state of mind). We hugged, I apologised, explained why I was angry, and what we were going to do - they could watch a movie to help them relax, and I'd do my yoga to make me feel better.
All good. Shrek is on. Went to log into yoga to find subscription has expired and there's nothing I can do about it till next week. Thankfully, I managed not to lose my shit entirely. You are now bearing the brunt of it by reading this insane rant, and I'm sorry for that, but I had to do something to regroup. Since I don't have my yoga, this is the next best option. Possibly more so.
I woke up feeling shitty today after really unsettling dreams. I knew before I even got out of bed my form was off. I tried to ignore it but clearly that didn't work out. I tried to work through it without really giving myself the time I needed (not fair on the kids blah blah blah). Not a runner either. So, perhaps inevitably, I reached the point where I had no choice but to take a back step or twenty and work hard to calm myself down.
This has helped. I'm going to go and take another look at that sub and see if I can push it through today. I'm going to take A LOT of deep breaths. This time with the kids is short, incredibly precious, but also extremely full on. Ignoring my need for time alone helps no one.
Labels: agitation, anger, breathing, children, control, family, mood, self control