I'm missing my blog a lot at the moment. Time to myself is at a premium, and in general I don't schedule writing time - something comes into my head and I run with it. But, with us all being home the last while, it's virtually impossible to do that, and I miss the clarity it gives me, the chance to order my thoughts and make sense of how I'm feeling. Today is an astoundingly good case in point, and in fact I need this time so much, the kids are now distracted by devices so I can work uninterrupted.
I recently applied for something that I was really interested in, and thought I was a good fit for. It wasn't a job, but something that I would find really fulfilling, would give me great experience and possibly put me in a position to help effect change. But today, the PFO (please fuck off) arrived. I'm gutted, absolutely gutted, and having to try incredibly hard not to take it personally. Challenging for anyone, but bpd loves this - I take EVERYTHING personally. I'm trying to figure out what I left out of my application. I'm wondering if the public profile I have as a blogger has anything to do with it, and strongly suspect it may. That said, this kind of speculation is pointless because chances are I'll never know why. I didn't get it. End of.
It's going to take a considerable amount of effort not to let this cloud my day. Form has been incredibly up and down anyway, it's pretty much been day on/day off good/bad. Motivation is waning, I'm finding it increasingly hard to get myself going in the morning, and all the self care I know I need to do is being quietly ignored (yoga, meditation, walking, running) with the result that my perspective is skewed and all the old negative thinking patterns are out in force. I've put myself forward for a couple of other things and I'm now convinced I'll be rejected there as well.
Crap it. I've just hit the nail on the head. Rejection. It's a huge, HUGE trigger. It feeds straight into the incredibly deeply held core belief I have of not being good enough, for anything, anyone, or at anything. Even last week when Therapist suggested pushing out the gap between appts it triggered this sense of rejection - she's pushing out appointments because she doesn't want to see me - she doesn't want to see me because she doesn't like me - she doesn't like me because I'm not a nice person, ergo, I'm not good enough. Bloody hell. And now the PFO. Unlike Therapist, who worked hard to assure me it was nothing personal and that it was worth trying, no one is going to reassure me of anything this time. I've requested feedback on my application but I don't expect to get it.
So, onwards and upwards I guess. I don't handle criticism well, and I certainly don't handle rejection well - it's like an extreme form of criticism. But I know this. So now I'm going to try really hard to engage brain and not let this get in on me. It's not personal. I hope. I just wasn't the right fit.
Labels: acceptance, borderline personality disorder, inner critic, negative thoughts, self doubt