Form is shocking this evening, absolutely shocking. I'm finding it hard to make time for myself this last few days, and mostly just ran out of patience this evening. Nothing out of the ordinary, just a combination of over tired kids not wanting to go to bed and slightly overwhelmed Mammy badly in need of some time alone. I haven't quite managed to figure out how to fit it in since I've been off - week one I did pretty well with getting up for yoga, but this week I've either been in bed too late or else had the night time company of a little lady who wouldn't take kindly to me abandoning her in favour of early morning yoga. I'm feeling guilty about heading out for a walk with the dogs when Hubby gets home because I'm conscious that he's tired as well. It's definitely something I need to work on.
It's funny, I'm home all day, but I'm way, way busier than I was at work. Don't get me wrong - it's good busy and I can't begin to describe how happy I am to have the opportunity to do this, but I miss being able to take even ten minutes to myself during the day, and I'm really missing writing. The last thing I want to do during the day is take out the laptop - I've taken this time off to be with my kids, and even leaving that aside, being interrupted for snack/drink/help every 30 seconds isn't conducive to insightful writing.
Part of it is guilt. I don't want to put the TV on so I can go and pootle about online, feels like I'm ignoring them and wasting time, even though writing always, always helps clear my head. Also because I've wanted this time so badly for so long, I feel obliged to be making the most of every second of it. Or do I? Maybe that's just how I'm thinking today? I know it doesn't do the kids any favours if I'm hovering over them every second of the day, and M is more than happy to wander off to her friend's house. It's a bit more challenging with D - he's reluctant to play outside alone, and I don't want to constantly be putting him off because I'm writing/cooking/speaking to someone etc etc. On the other hand, I still need time for me. I've really enjoyed the calm of the last two weeks, I love that we've hit the pause button on work and responsibility to just hang out, but I can't forget that there are still things that I need to do to keep this calm going. I've let it slide this week.
I was talking about this with Hubby this evening, he was suggesting that I really need to try and find a way to get some time for myself during the day. Bitchface would like me to believe that's not possible, but is that true? I think it's finally time to break out my headspace app again. The kids are getting much more settled, and will happily play away together when I'm in the shower or making dinner, so why not while I take ten minutes to get some headspace? I think I'm partly afraid to try something like meditation or yoga with the kids in the background, because if I get interrupted the frustration of that will nearly leave me worse off than if I hadn't done it at all (or at least it has done historically). But maybe I need to just try and put that aside and see how it goes? I guess if all else fails, TV is a reasonable distraction for the sake of maintaining sanity.
Labels: children, family, frustration, meditation, parenting, slowing down, stability, yoga