I'm struggling the last few days, really, really struggling. Mood has been getting progressively lower, and now today I'm really tearful. It sucks. I've just had a good cry down the phone to Hubby, and in between sniffling managed to work out that there are probably a few factors at play. Summer is almost over. Autumn has arrived rather dramatically - it's chilly, grey, and the evenings are noticeably shorter. I haven't seen Therapist for 4 weeks, which is longer than I've managed without her (and without resorting to her emergency back up person) in almost four years. I'm hormonal as fuck. It's a heady combination.
Today it's mostly about the kids. I'm having to work really hard to remind myself that we've had a good summer. No, we didn't go away, but we had a lot of fun at home. They have finally, finally overcome their shyness of the green outside, and are happy out playing with their little friends. But where is my thinking going today? I should be doing something nice with them. I'm neglecting them by leaving them playing outside. I've wasted the summer etc etc etc. At a rational level I realise the complete and utter ridiculousness of this but emotionally that's how things are today. I cannot motivate myself. I'm looking around at the various things I could be doing, things I would normally enjoy, and I can't get myself up to do any of them. Quite frankly, feeling like this scares the absolute shit out of me. I haven't cried in months.
I'm apprehensive about next week - we'll be back to a really strict timetable if this half time thing is to work. I'm a little worried about my son and how he's going to settle back into school. I'm really, really scared of the approaching winter - the weather has such an impact on my mood.
But, next week also sees me back with Therapist. I think. I've an appointment made, although I've really been in two minds as to whether I should keep it, having gone this long without her. That said, for much of the time she was away things have been remarkably easy, so it's been easy to be ok. I'm definitely missing the process now. I can't make up my mind if it's because of all of the above, or because I somehow managed to keep it together knowing she was inaccessible, but now that I know she's back soon, I'm losing it a little. I'm not explaining this right. It's like I managed without her because I had to, but now that I don't, I can't. Does that make sense?
Anyway, that's today. I'm hoping it will pass soon. I've been keeping up with spinning/yoga/walking and occasional running, it's definitely helped. I'll try and get out again this evening. Sitting down with nothing to occupy me is definitely not a good plan.
Labels: children, crying, depression, emotion, guilt, mood, motivation, symptoms, thought spiral