Remember the PFO from the week before last? Well, I requested feedback and it arrived yesterday. Didn't really make for pleasant reading, my scores were way lower than I had anticipated - out of a potential 40 I got a total of 17. That stings a little. But, what's more interesting is how I felt about it yesterday in comparison to how I feel about it today.
I've been in Kildare with the kids since Monday, we're staying with my folks. Every night this week, I've ended up with both kids in bed with me (one badly needs adenoids removed and snores constantly, one pretty much dances all night) so my sleep has been extremely disrupted. I'm shattered, as are they, so tempers have been extremely frayed. And alongside this, of course, my mood has taken a beating. Perspective has been virtually non existent, my ability to make decisions is out the window, I'm way, way more reactive to everything (including my very tired and cranky kids) and I'm second guessing EVERYTHING I do. By yesterday evening, I was ready to pack in the blog, desperate to contact Therapist (thankfully I didn't), and had to take myself off to bed before dinner for a little cry. All of this lack of perspective meant what should have been the relatively minor sting of my feedback threatened to send me into a tailspin. I was taking it personally in every possible way despite every effort not to.
This morning? I managed to get a consistent two hours sleep after the small people got up (thank you lovely family) and for now at least feel more alert, so I'm going to try and bring this back into perspective for myself.
- there were 86 applicants. They needed 12
- They most likely had a very focussed idea of who they wanted and I simply didn't fit
- it's not personal
- worth repeating - it's not personal
- ok, once more for good measure - IT'S NOT PERSONAL
I don't know what their selection criteria were. I'm going to stop trying to work it out, it doesn't help. I put in what I felt was a good application, but right now, for whatever reason, I'm not a good fit. I can see that this morning. I couldn't come close to seeing it last night. Tiredness sends things out of perspective for everyone, but throw in a few old reliable bpd filters and it's a recipe for absolute disaster.
I'm heading back west later today. I think it will do us all good to get back to our own space and our own routine. This is going to sound really twee, but I find when I'm away from the open spaces and beauty of Oughterard for any length of time it really sets me on edge. I miss the river, and the quiet. We've done some lovely day trips since I've been here, and it's been great to have more than a few hours with my family.
The flip side though, this time at least, is more tiredness than I can handle. Today I see that. I see that the potential to spiral is there and I need to be really careful not to let it happen. So we're going to pack up, head home, and regroup. We'll be fine.
Labels: borderline personality disorder, filters, flags, functioning, mood, tiredness, triggers