How many times have we had a conversation where yet again, I've taken something that works (yoga, medication, running etc etc etc) and just thrown it out the window?? I start to get well, I make real progress, then something shifts. I get scared maybe? Even today, at a time when things are as stable as they've ever been, when I'm in really good form I found myself thinking - 'what next? I'm good now, so it's time for something else to go wrong. Fate was waiting for me to be strong enough to handle the next crisis'.
Christ. I'm textbook. It's hard to know where to go with this. Earlier this week I had decided I was definitely going to stop seeing her, and either take a break entirely or ask for a referral. But the thoughts of this sent me into a complete tailspin for a couple of days, and I was more than a little emotional. Then, I found this article, and it all seemed to click into place. It's what I've got
. So, on that basis, thinking about stopping with Therapist now is.................is what?? An indicator that I actually need to do more work? That there's a part of me I'm continuing to run away from?? It really does feel like a rock and a hard place - thinking about not seeing her had me circling the drain, and then realising it was all part of what I've got and I could continue seeing her brought such immense relief that I actually feel fine the last day or two, and as if I don't need support at all. And so the cycle continues.
My mind is a bloody minefield. No matter which way I turn I've laid traps for myself.
*Taken from 'The Borderline Personality Client'