A fine (and very blurry) line

It's been another busy week, one that has left me with little time to write, and for many and varying reasons, no opportunity to spin either (running is off the agenda at the moment due to on-going foot issues). So, I've been missing writing, missing exercise, and have only seen therapist once in the last almost 3 weeks. I won't be seeing her next week as she's away. Put all this together and it means a lot of my ways of keeping myself on the straight and narrow haven't been available, and I'm really feeling it now.

Mostly, form has been a bit shocking this week. Monday was tough, I thought there was another panic attack in the pipeline but thankfully kept it at bay. I've been trying really hard to make sure I'm eating right and getting enough sleep, but right now it doesn't feel like enough. That's a little worrying for me. I talked about this with Therapist on Monday, and we can both see very clearly where this could be headed. For my part, it would be so very, very easy to give in. For her part........well she's seen me go down this road quite a few times by now, and knows how difficult it is to come back, so however much I want to give in, I can't.

I came across this piece of writing a few years back:

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless
It isn’t my fault...
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall...it’s a habit...but,
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.
Portia Nelson

Therapist reminded me of it on Monday, that right now, I'm looking at the hole, I see it, and I want to fall in. But the problem is, if I do fall in, there's another hole waiting to open up underneath it and take me further down, and again, and again...............Is it my fault? I don't know. I'm not sure that it is. I suppose it could be in so far as things that I know that help have slipped this week. But, I was also so exhausted I could barely form a sentence, so there had to be a compromise. Does that make it my fault?

I had a really interesting conversation over on twitter today, the essence of it being that I find it really hard to distinguish between the fine line of a bad mood of the kind that happens to everyone, and a bad mood that is the result of disordered thinking and needs to be challenged and turned around. I don't want to find myself in a situation where every time my mood is less than awesome I assume it's because of depression/bpd, but at the same time, I don't have a frame of reference for comparison and it's hard not to think that every change in mood has it's roots in distorted thinking. But is that doing me a disservice in assuming that there's always a borderline/depressed filter? Or is it in fact a cop out? It's not my fault I'm angry/upset etc etc because I have a disorder...........I can't trust that what I feel is an appropriate reaction, and that makes things so challenging sometimes.

Mostly tonight I'm confused. I've had to push very, very hard to keep functioning and doing what needed to be done this week. That scares me. Therapist can see very clearly the path I'm heading for, as can I. That also scares me. Is it in my power to stop it? All I can do is try. 

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