Today I had one of those conversations that I really, really don't like to have. You know, one of those where you have to admit out loud that things really aren't as awesome as we might like. So far, I've said it to Hubby, my folks and I've spoken about it with a few friends so I had to take the bull by the horns today and say it to my boss. Again. Again. It felt horrible, and I squirmed my way through the conversation, but fair dues to him, he didn't bat an eyelid. I'm incredibly lucky to be working for someone who treats this whole mental illness lark exactly the same way as he would a physical illness - tell me the problem, tell me what you need, I'll tell you what I can do, and we'll go from there. If things aren't working out, we'll talk again.
I came away feeling.........what? Relieved I think, because my output is definitely shamefully below par at the moment and he needed to know. Well to be fair, I'm reasonably sure he had already noticed, this was me confirming it for him and him doing me the courtesy of not bollocking me out of it for being a thoroughly inept employee. I also felt disappointed though, because yet again, I was having to admit that things aren't great. It's one thing to do that at home, or on here, but quite another at work. I hate to be perceived as anything less than able, and still, after all this time, still wonder what people think after a conversation like that. Do they view me differently? Are they on edge? Are they waiting for me to lose the plot? Are they kind of just tolerating me because they have to? Not fun.
I also saw Therapist this evening, and told her about my switch from one generic to another. Although they're apparently carbon copies something seems to have gone amiss, things have definitely slipped since I changed and it's noticeable to her as well. There has also been a recurrence of some side effects that had mercifully stopped for a while, and I'm really not happy about that. I rang my pharmacist who thought it would be unusual, but not beyond the realms, so he's going to get the original one back for me.
And there you have it. I'm shattered and I'm not entirely sure this post even makes sense. My brain feels like this.
Apologies if you're now dizzy and/or have a headache. Welcome to my head.
Labels: behaviour, challenges, depression, functioning, mental illness, motivation, perception, support, symptoms, work