I've noticed something the last few weeks. My emotions are not my own. What I mean is that I am very much at the mercy of external factors, be they good, or bad - something good happens, mood goes way up, something (that I perceive as - very important distinction) bad, mood goes down. I realise this is true for everyone to some extent but it's the frequency and extremes of mood that are a problem for me, and are a key aspect of bpd - affective instability is the official term. What I'm hoping to eventually get to is some kind of equilibrium - that while external influences may be positive or negative, I can sit fairly calmly in the middle. Resilience is the word Therapist would use.
Take the last week or so
- post conference come down - low
- got a call re TV interview next week - high
- novelty of said TV interview wore off - low
- call re presentation for See Change after interview - high
- novelty of that wore off - low
- blog awards win, twitter/fb loved me for a couple of hours - MASSIVE high
- Twitter/fb have moved on this morning - on the way down again.
|My two minutes of interweb fame|
In between the above rollercoaster, I've been missing exercise (as in not attending, given the choice I'd never go again) and the subsequent endorphins, I've been tired and so resorting to sugar which never helps, and I've been hiding a little from people who usually lift me. All in all, not awesome.
I'm not sure where to go from here. Do my meds need tweaking? Possibly, although I'm not due to see my psychiatrist again for another 3 weeks so I'll have to do what I can myself to manage in the meantime. I need to get back exercising, so I'm going spinning this morning (hopefully without a panic attack
). I also need to do something about how tired I am, so I'll have to keep getting early nights. I've another big week coming up, and I need to have myself in some way prepared so that the excitement of Friday doesn't take me too high and then bring me crashing down Saturday. I need my yoga back. I've lost it, again. Again. Probably time to change that.
Labels: affective instability, borderline personality disorder, control, emotion, Medication, mood, stability