I cannot begin to describe how unbelievably surreal it was to hear all of this detail, and remember virtually none of it. T's initial mail gave me an overview, and that was strange enough, but when I realised the extent of what's missing............how can I actually not remember these things?? And believe me, in the days that have passed since finding out all of this detail, I really have tried. A couple of tiny, inconsequential fragments have come back.......I have a really vague recollection of sitting in a very large, shiny, mostly white marble room which apparently was at the head's house, but I've no memory of him, or the (presumably multiple) conversations, or his lovely daughter. I remember that my apartment was dirty when we got there, but I don't remember anyone being there. Being taken on a tour of Nicosia? Nope. Driving around Cyprus with a UN officer? First sighting of the Mediterranean? Life changing conversations? Nada. How is this even possible?
I don't know if this is part of what I've got
, or whether I was in such a state of anxiety that I was operating on autopilot and there was no energy left for holding on to memories. It scares me, because it makes me wonder what else I've forgotten. I already know I have very little memory of school, primary or secondary. I don't remember things that should be milestones. I don't even remember my first day at college. Why is that??? Will I ever get those memories back? They have to be in my head somewhere but I'm fecked if I know where.
I'm seeing Therapist tomorrow. For once, I know what I'll be talking about.
*Love you T xx
**Dad's wonderful friend, if you're reading this, thank you. If you're still in contact with your UN buddy, please thank him for me. He clearly played a huge part in both looking after me that week, and getting me home in one piece. Way, way, way above and beyond, I'm just so sorry that I can't remember. Extra rations all round ;-)