At arm's length

Yesterday I was full of the joys, but today I need words. Having had a break from Therapist last week I was of course, of course, in two minds as to whether or not to go today. This time last week it would have been out of some warped form of cutting off my nose to spite my face/I'll show her/how dare she leave me etc etc etc, but the more I've thought about it the last few days, the more I've been able to see it for what it is.

It took me a solid week to get over the general rejection/abandonment emotional storm that went with her deciding to take a day off. Having spent the week since in reasonably good form, I really, really didn't want to open all that up again.

So, I debated, for hours. Here were the options I came up with:
It really shouldn't be so complicated, but with what I've got, nothing that's even remotely emotive is straight forward, especially when it comes to attachment issues. The main thinking behind stopping, in whatever form, is that I'm incredibly tired of having to pull myself back together after an onslaught of (entirely imagined) rejection and abandonment. It's hard, and slow, and makes life really, really difficult for however long it takes. I'm also so very tired of the inevitable boundaries conversation that I then have with Therapist. I get it, she knows I get it, but until I can feel it, we need to keep talking about it. Inevitably, it makes me feel worse, although I'm assuming it'll eventually sink in at an emotional level.

In the end, I decided to go today, but with the intention of very much keeping my distance and then taking a break till after Christmas. I didn't want her to be kind, or understanding, or elicit any kind of emotional response in me. I was determined to keep her at arm's length, and I told her as much. Apparently I succeeded - as she said herself, I barely put my toe in the water this evening. But here the thing - bpd, my reactions, my responses, my confused emotions, my constant ( and often mis)reading of situations - it all occupies pretty much every waking thought I have. It's always there one way or another, and it's so different for her. She can box me into a 50 minute session, and then close that box till the following week. I can't do that. But, this weekend, I did. For just a couple of days, I was me. I wasn't me the mother, me the blogger, me the occasional mentalist, me desperate to speak to my Therapist, I was just me, having some fun with friends and chilling out with Hubby. It was so lovely. I desperately, desperately want to hold on to that.

However, despite my best efforts, I crumbled at literally the last minute of the session, which is of course so very borderline of me. I simply couldn't help it. I so badly wanted her to see it and feel bad for me, and at the same time, realised just how unhelpful that is. So this time, when she said take a minute, I didn't. That exact sequence of events is what fuels my dependency on her - I crumple, she makes it better. I keep that up, I'll never be able to manage on my own. So instead, I left, agreeing that I'd let her know whether or not I'd be keeping an appointment next week (I've since contacted her to say I won't be, I've had enough 'rejection' for now), so I've 4 weeks to get through. The journey home was hard, I kept getting hit by overwhelming waves of sadness so there was more public transport crying which is always a joy. But I made it.

I hate the prospect of not seeing her for those 4 weeks, of not having her support. But then, there's no crisis, so do I need it? As she gently pointed out when I asked that question for the umpteenth time since we've been working together, my work with her, for the most part, is not issue driven, although it was for a very long time because that's just how life goes. But now, it's about process, my process, how I view the world and my place in it, and how I get to grips with the frequently disordered view that I have. So no, there's no crisis. But I still have a lot of work to do, and I'll always have a lot of work to do. Right now though, what I really need is a break. 

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