I have a list of stuff, actually no, several lists of stuff, that need to get done over the next two days. I realise everyone has these lists, but I am completely overwhelmed by it so I have to write instead. Turns out Christmas is a MASSIVELY triggering time for me. Really, I should probably have figured that one out a long time ago, but hey, better late than never.
The kids are completely overwrought. They've been hearing about Christmas since September, and practicing their plays for almost as long. They're off school since Friday, which means almost an entire week has had to be filled and they're struggling to understand why it's still not Christmas. The weather has been beyond bad, we actually went to the playground in a typhoon yesterday because I just had to get out of the house for a while.
It's a bit of a perfect storm really:
- kids are overexcited, overtired and scratchy as cats
- I'm overwhelmed by various to do lists and extremely short on patience
- financial constraints have meant that I have yet to finish the Santa shopping
- I'm shattered
All of the above has led to me being barely able to keep control on myself. I'm snappy as hell and have had to resort to medicinal aid more than once. The house is in an absolute gimp, which, when I'm feeling like this really doesn't help. It's been weeks since I've seen Therapist which also doesn't help. I used to think I enjoyed Christmas, but now I think it's more the idea of it that I enjoy. Maybe if I start with what I don't like, then work back to what I do, it'll help. So here goes the don't like list.......
- expectation. The weight of expectation at Christmas is phenomenal - we must have a perfect day, we must fill the house to sinking with food, we must buy a load of presents that people don't really need with money we don't really have etc etc etc
That's not really a list, is it? It's just once thing in various forms over and over again, but it's huge and I can't stand it. I realise all of these expectations are just that, and they don't need to be acted on, but it is so hard not to get caught up in the general insanity of the last few weeks before Christmas. We're keeping it as low key as possible. Financially we have enough to get by, but not a whole lot more, so the kids won't be getting sackloads of toys. All I want, and I mean this in all sincerity, is to just spend some time with my little family where all the worries of the other 364 days of the year are put aside, just for one short day, so we can concentrate on each other. I feel guilty for being stressed. I feel guilty for wanting to clean the house up a bit. I feel horribly guilty for being so short with my kids. I feel guilty for not being able to get people decent gifts.
It's all shite really, because at the end of the day, it's one day and then it's over. There's no need for me to be this stressed. I don't think it's about Christmas at all really, it just happens to have coincided with it. It's me being tired, and missing Therapist, and not feeling 100%. I know we'll really enjoy the day. I know the kids will be happy. I just wish I could feel it.
Labels: anxiety, perfectionism, stress, tiredness