Aaaaaaand crash

Yesterday was fantastic. I did an interview on TV3, which you can watch here for the next couple of days.

My partner in crime yesterday, Donal.
It only came about late last week, so sorting out the logistics of getting there and then trying not to let nerves get the better of me had been the focus of the intervening few days. I went up and back to Dublin yesterday which made it a long day in it's own right, but the adrenaline kept me going no bother at all. I was still wired when I got home, and the lovely feedback that I got helped carry me along as well. Despite all that, I managed to sleep, and woke up (far too early, thanks barking dogs/bright eyed kiddos) feeling fine. Saw Therapist. Went fine, lots of positivity. Got to work fine. And then? Boom. The inevitable crash happened.

I was prepared for this. I've noticed that it's something that happens every time I do an interview, and to a lesser extent, when I'm published. There's the buildup of having something really different and exciting to look forward to. There's the unbelievable level of adrenaline on the day. Then........then I come home and am swiftly back to wiping up spills and negotiating traffic on the way to work. In other words, reality. I don't know if it's the sudden absence of something to look forward to, tiredness, or maybe because I'm back to being just me again that makes it so challenging. Maybe it's a combination of all of these things. But it's really hard to handle!

There's probably something else at play here as well today. I mentioned I saw Therapist this morning, that there was lots of positivity. That's no bad thing, it's good to pause every now and then and actually recognise where things have gone well, particularly after a week like last week. But, having a positive session for some reason also leaves me feeling massively disconnected from her, because always at the back of my mind is the fear that she'll say there's no need for me to come any more. Of course, it's not helped by the fact that I haven't had a consistent pattern with her since before Christmas - we had a long break, then back for two sessions, I had to cancel last week, back today, and now I've to cancel next week because the time doesn't suit. It's no big deal (in theory), things are going well. As I left her office I felt totally ok with it - we talked about the whole reality of logistics v feelings of rejection/abandonment that go hand in hand with this kind of shuffling about, and while I wasn't exactly comfortable with it, I got it. But now? Honestly, now is just bleugh!!! I'm feeling more than a tad emotional, very disconnected, and a little lost. Most likely a sensible plan would have been to take today off work and give myself a few hours to regroup. Unfortunately I tend to think of sensible plans like this after the event which is why I now find myself hiding upstairs with the laptop while the kids watch a movie.

So, the plan for the rest of the day is to pretty much go to ground. We're all home, the fire is lit. I could go for a walk. I could do some yoga. But mostly right now I think I need to feel connected again, so I'm going to do cuddles. Lots and lots of cuddles.

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