Yes, it really is a word, and it's something I'm making an art form of the last few days. In case you don't want to go to all the effort of clicking over on the above link, let me explain it briefly with a few lovely examples that have come to mind the last few days:
- Son is in bad form and in his room. I know his window is open. Where does my mind go? He's going to jump out the window. I actually saw this thought right through to finding him downstairs, how I'd react, who I'd contact etc etc
- Hubby is on his way home from a match, weather is horrendous - really strong wind and torrential rain..........becomes he's crashed, he's dead. Any second know there's going to be a knock on the door
- On the bus home today in equally bad weather, bus hit a big puddle..............becomes bus is going to aquaplane and I'm going to die in a flaming ball of metal.
- Reading 'The Passage' (doomsday type scenario, horrible virus all but wipes out humanity etc etc) has me genuinely unsettled, looking out my kitchen window and thinking, 'Oughterard is pretty small. We're safe here' (Yes. Really. I really actually thought this, in all seriousness, after reading a work of fiction)
I could go on but I think that's enough insanity for one post.
Thankfully, I saw Therapist today so I was able to talk about this with her. I hadn't intended to, because I realise these are all completely irrational fears, but somehow that's where the conversation ended up. She had a very rational explanation for it. My pattern over the years has been to fall from one crisis to another, but in the last 12/18 months, bar the monstrous med break blip
, things have been relatively stable. There has been no crisis to contend with and I've been able to focus on getting to grips with how my mind works. But, when I'm tired, or feeling a little under pressure, my mind will revert to old patterns, that is, anticipating the next crisis. At the moment, I fully expect something to go horribly wrong any day now, because things have been going 'too well'. I'm using inverted commas here because I realise that really, it's not possible for things to be going too well. What's actually going on is that I'm experiencing a period of stability, of normality, for want of a better word.
But old habits die hard, so apparently, in the absence of an actual crisis, my mind is going to create some for me. It's exacerbated by what I've got
, but also is something that most people do occasionally, albeit maybe to not such a dramatic degree. Technically, again, it's progress. If these are the things that I'm worrying about now, then I'm actually in a pretty good place. Really looking forward to the day that I can mark progress by simply feeling well in myself.
Labels: anxiety, borderline personality disorder, disordered thinking, thought spiral