Earlier was horrible, really really horrible, following on from a horrible day yesterday. I made a big list of things I needed to, but didn't want to do. Some of them got done, some of them didn't. But, in the process of one (the shopping), a quick conversation with someone I don't know at all completely turned my day around.
You see, part of what happens when I get into emotional overload is that I have a fairly predictable knee jerk reaction - walk away from everything. It's a typical bpd trait
, that of all or nothing. I can see that now, but I couldn't earlier. It's similar to the reaction I had a couple of weeks back when the shit hit the fan
at work. I question why I'm doing the blog, why I've taken on please talk
, what I could possibly hope to achieve, how it's of benefit to anyone, it's just a drain on my energy etc etc etc. I get myself so tied up in knots that I completely lose perspective.
But then, there's a chance conversation with someone who works in my local supermarket. Out of the blue, she tells me that she saw my interview, that she follows the blog, and that it's done her the world of good. I never quite know how to react when people say things like this to me, the best I can usually come up with is a mumbled thank you. But Mary, if you're reading this, sincerely, thank you. That short conversation pulled me up out of the funk I was headed into, because it helped me remember why I'm doing this. People get it. They get me. And in getting me, they also get themselves. All I'm doing is rambling about the insanity that sometimes goes on in my head, but every time someone tells me that they understand, or that they feel the same, it helps me. I hope it helps them in a similar way.
I've no doubt that there will be future meltdowns, for whatever reason. I'm confident that my five minutes of TV fame is over, so I won't have to contend with that particular comedown again any time soon, but there'll be others - it could be a busy period at work. It could be the car deciding to kick the bucket. It could be financial strain. There will always, always be something to test me, in some way, because that's just how it goes. What will be the making or breaking of me will be how I react. On the plus side, the freefall of the last two days was just that - two days. In the past, that could have been two weeks.
Labels: behaviour, borderline personality disorder, disordered thinking, emotionally unstable personality disorder, perspective