My frame of mind has moved into an interesting space the last couple of days. After the storm of Thursday, and the fallout that came on Friday, I've progressed to something different. I've managed to create the one situation that Therapist said would never happen - I've pushed her away. I always thought that when/if this happened, it would be all but impossible to deal with, and for a few days, it really felt that way. But now? I feel more at peace with it. It's strange, and hard to describe, because it's the thing that I've been fearing for the longest time.
You see, I've often wondered what it would take for this to happen, because no matter how hard it is, if she closes the door, then it's shut, and that's beyond my control. But if I close the door, I will never, ever be able to resist trying to open it again, which is precisely what happened this week. I had made my decision, and I was adamant I was going to see it through. I was taking a break from therapy, and I was really clear about it. But then.........then came the standard borderline 180. Except this time, she didn't respond as I'd expected, or hoped. It felt horrendous. But, because it's her decision, I have no choice but to respect it.
Of course, there is the possibility I'm entirely misinterpreting this. We'll be meeting on the 13th to discuss how/if we can continue to work together, in a way we're both comfortable with. I'm dreading this conversation because I've no clue what she's going to say and I cannot stand the feeling of having disappointed someone. The last few days I've been working really, really hard to put all my confused feelings about her into a box, and the lid is in the process of being nailed shut. But, come the 13th, if she says we can continue, what will I do? I don't want to feel as impossibly shitty and rejected as I did this week ever again, but if the door opens even a crack, I will cave, I've no doubt. And will that be any good for me? Do I need to start looking at all this again? I've mentioned my lovely bpd blogger friend before, one who is in fact going through a similar experience with her own Therapist at the moment. We talked about this, and she made a really valid point - if I don't explore these issues now, at a relatively calm (!!!) time in my life when I have space to do so, they will come back later when there's a crisis, and I'm less able to cope.
I don't know. I have 3 whole weeks to get through, 3 whole weeks in which to change my mind most likely countless times about all of this. There will be days when I'm adamant that I'm going to cancel that meeting, and days where I can barely function for wanting/needing to speak to her. Ultimately, I think it's a foregone conclusion that I will go, but how I'll react to the outcome of that conversation is anything but.
Labels: abandonment, attachment, borderline personality disorder, therapist