Self sabotage

I've been hiding from the blog the last week. I still don't know if I want to continue with it, and I'm all but completely overwhelmed with the volume of work I have going on - with my actual real job at work, with Please Talk and all that it entails above and beyond work, with my kids, with my's not spectacular. A phrase has been coming to mind the last while, another of the joys of bpd - self sabotage. So I turned to google, and I found this:

'People with borderline are unstable. It's impossible to predict which way the wind will blow when you're in a relationship with a borderline person. Moodiness, impulsivity, instability, unpredictability, ill-temperedness, extreme emotional reactions, and high emotional sensitivity are the norm, and all of these combine to create emotional and situational chaos. One moment, all may be well and nothing is wrong in the world, and the next moment, everything is falling to pieces and can never be fixed. There is no middle ground, and situations are either perfectly perfect or horribly horrible. Because there is no middle ground, instead of moving slowly from feeling good to feeling not quite so good, minor events cause the person with BPD to switch instantaneously from feeling irrationally fantastic to irrationally terrible. Those in relationships often feel desperately needed, then desperately hated for not attending to those needs sufficiently or quickly enough.........................People with Borderline Personality Disorder are tiring and frustrating to be around. You may find yourself dreading spending time with them, feeling wrung out after contact, and relieved to have gotten time away. When in the presence of people with BPD, it's not uncommon to feel drained, pulled upon, tired, withdrawn in frustration, stressed, confused, annoyed or driven to distraction. People who have been in relationships with BPD individuals have described a feeling of being drawn into a vortex of emotional chaos, unreasonability and impossible expectations.'*

Ouch. And all true. 

Then this, written by someone who has borderline:

'the ‘deliberateness’ that self-awareness prompts............ is leading to self-sabotaging behaviour… I need to stop it NOW but there is that bit (that is winning at the moment) that is in self-hatred mode and so I am currently not caring that I am self-sabotaging, if anything I am rejoicing in the fact that if I don’t stop it soon I am going to fail horrifically – but I deserve it!'**

Also ouch.

I need to get my act together or I'm headed for trouble, big time. Only problem is, there's a part of me, a big part of me, like the blogger above, that is absolutely rejoicing in the prospect of the mess I'm headed for. If that's not completely fucked up then I don't know what is. 

*Light's House
**Day in the life of a busy gal

Labels: , , , , ,