I woke up this morning in the middle of the most vivid dream about Therapist. I want to write about it because if I don't, I'm afraid the emotion and negativity it generated will follow me for the rest of the day, and I really don't want that to happen.
I've dreamt about her before, and we've talked about it before. Her take is that every person in my dream, her included, is in fact a version of myself and reflective of how I'm feeling about myself. So, here was the dream (I'm going to have to go stream of consciousness on this one because I can't separate of out enough to make sense):
I was in Dublin for some reason, and realised I was late for my appt. But, I couldn't find her office, she had moved and although had given me directions, I tried finding it without them. When I eventually figured out I could check the directions, it turned out I was on the wrong side of town, so I started running to where I thought I was meant to be. When I got there, I realised I was wrong, and by now, really late, so I rang her. She gave me directions, and asked me about bus times, saying she was ok with my being late, but the last bus was 6.20, and after that she really couldn't care less what I was at (this comment was swiftly followed by an apology for such a poor choice of words). Eventually, I found the building she was in, but it took a few more tries before I found her office. When I went in, it was really cold and impersonal, and before I even sat down, started to outline that she was putting up her fee and this wasn't up for discussion. Once the session started, she hopped from topic to topic, while I said nothing. She was using notes to refer to, as if she had forgotten everything I'd previously told her..............
And then my son announced at volume that he was awake, releasing me from the above. Kind of. I rarely remember dreams, and when I do, I tend to remember brief snatches but this one was a humdinger. Based on Therapist's opinion that everyone in a dream is a reflection of myself, what can I take from this? Actually, I think this one is probably pretty straight forward. I feel lost without her, but I've no way of reaching her. I'm convinced she doesn't care in the slightest (although am aware on some level that this might not be true). I also firmly believe she's incredibly disappointed in me and doesn't want to work with me anymore.
Ugh. Not exactly a standard fare nightmare but a fairly horrible reflection of my state of mind at the moment. Time to get up.
Labels: attachment, depression, insight, therapist