I've spent most of the last few days in a flap because of a project deadline, a deadline which I've technically known about for the last two months, and which sailed merrily past without my even being aware of it. I say I technically knew about it - what I mean is I read the mail, filed it away in the recesses of my to-do pile, and completely forgot about it. I am also firmly convinced that we're still somewhere back in March and so the presentation date of 13th May (two weeks after submission was due) feels like months away.
Why do I continue to do this to myself? Why can I not just get my act together? This is like a repeat of the work related fuck up earlier this year - I know there's something lingering in the background that I really need to do, but I ignore it and ignore it until it becomes so urgent that it bites me in the ass and then find myself scrambling frantically trying to fix it. I had a very roundabout conversation with Hubby about all this earlier - he commented on my tendency to jump into things feet first, full of enthusiasm, without really thinking through the stages involved or the consequences. He's right of course, that's exactly what I do. I get an idea in my head, it feels like the best idea ever, I get really excited and I launch. Fast forward a couple of days to when the initial flush of enthusiasm has faded, and the old familiar sinking feeling comes back..............I've done it again. I've taken on too much. Now what?
It's a classic borderline trait. Yes, another one. So many, isn't it wonderful??! I'm frustrated as hell right now. I feel like shit for letting it get to this stage, again, but the flip side of that shitty feeling is that I'm now incredibly motivated to get it done. But as Hubby so rightly pointed out, working off that kind of negative motivation is really not the best way to do things. But right now, that's how I operate.
Am I hiding behind bpd as an excuse? Am I not trying hard enough to change this? Is there more I could be doing? Probably. But right now, I'm a week past my deadline, an hour past when I needed to be in bed, and I'm not finished. If there's a hard way of doing something, I can guarantee you, I'll find it.
Labels: behaviour, borderline personality disorder, challenges, concentration, frustration, inner critic, work