Maybe it's the fallout from taking on too much, again, and leaving it to the last minute, again, but this has not been a good weekend. Agitated is a polite word for how I've been feeling. Barely contained rage seems more appropriate this morning. I honestly think I can say I've tried everything in my arsenal to make it better - Hubby took the kids out for a few hours yesterday morning which I filled with with a walk/jog, some yoga and a long shower. When they came back, I tried meeting a friend for tea, but had to make my excuses after twenty minutes. Managed to do the food shopping without incident, then home and out for another walk. Still no joy. Eventually gave up at about 9 last night and went to bed.
This morning? Worse. I had a night of very disturbed dreams (somehow ended up dreaming I was back in school and having to defend myself in front of all the teachers and my entire class for having bpd), and the kids were awake at the arse crack of dawn. Literally - 5.30. I can't cope. I have no capacity left for people not listening to me, arguing with me, making noise and generally behaving like kids. I shouted, more than once. I don't usually shout, it upsets them and upsets me, but this morning I couldn't keep it in. It makes me feel like shit. I tried sitting down for stories and cuddles, I tried baking but I just couldn't calm myself down.
So now, I'm hiding in my room with the laptop and things sounds fine downstairs. When I'm like this my mood infects the whole house, and it's horrible. It's better for everyone if I stay out of the way, and yet when I try and do just that, I end up feeling monumentally guilty for not being more engaged with the kids, and for leaving Hubby on duty again, especially as he's also shattered and really struggling with a bad back.
I'm frustrated as hell. I've been trying to work out all morning what it is that I need but I really don't know. In an ideal world I would be in the house completely alone with my shitty mood for as long as it takes to lift, but that's just not practical, or possible. I could get out for a walk but the weather is far from appealing (cold, windy and pouring rain), and honestly, given how little improvement I saw for all my efforts yesterday, I'm not sure I could be bothered. I could do some yoga but again, feck all impact yesterday. Or maybe it did work, maybe I'd be in a worse state now if I hadn't tried all those things.
I think I'm going to throw on my rain gear and head out. Can't get any worse, right?
It helped. I got absolutely soaked, but it helped, I love walking in really heavy rain. Not sure how long the effects will last but for now at least I'm calmer. One more day till I see Therapist and then hopefully all of this angst can be off loaded.
*maybe shitty is being a little harsh. Maybe just parent not doing so well but trying really bloody hard to make it better
Labels: agitation, anger, behaviour, exercise, family