After seeing Therapist last week, I finally began to grasp the realisation that I can't keep her on a pedestal any more. In the intervening week, I wrote down everything that I've been needing to say to her the last few months, but couldn't because I felt so ashamed, and because almost all of it was about her, or my perception of her. Today, I read that missive to her. I didn't want to, because I was so scared of what the outcome would be - that the slowly dawning realisation that I've come as far with her as I can would be spoken aloud, and therefore, true.
Which is exactly what happened. I think I've known it for some some. I'm completely caught up in transference and counter transference, but I can't work through it, and it's paralysing me. It's unbearable, she's been seeing that, and can see it all the more clearly after today. I can pinpoint the change in our relationship to Christmas, and she agrees, because that was when she started becoming more firm with boundaries. The firmer she got, the more desperate I've become, the more I've pushed, and the more she's had to reinforce those boundaries. Every single time we've had that conversation has felt like a physical blow, and I cannot stand it any more.
But here's the shitty part - I can't stand the prospect of a future without her in it either. So what do I do? How do I get past this? She tried to emphasise to me that ending the therapeutic relationship suddenly would not be good for me, that ultimately it would come back to bite me in the ass. But from where I'm standing, if we both know it's going to end, why prolong the pain? And of course, the timing is exquisite - next week was to be my last session for 6 weeks anyway. Right now, I cannot see the point in planning to see her on the far side of that break, because not only will I have the ending to contend with, I'll also have the usual abandonment/rejection etc etc etc crap that always follows a break. What is the point in trying to work through all of that again, to re-establish a connection, only to swiftly shut it down for good?
I get that some of this is the borderline all or nothing tendency - it's going to end so just end it now. But also I'm trying to protect myself. Breaks are hard enough at the best of times, but to take a break, knowing that I'll be coming back to an ending? I don't know how I could handle that.
Equally I don't know how I'm going to handle it if next week is the last time I ever walk out of her office, because that's the other thing that she had to make clear to me today - if I make the decision to end this, then that's it, there's no going back. I feel like the arse has just fallen out of my world, and that all this mess and confusion is of my own making. She was at pains to point out to me that that's not the case, this isn't a failure, it's just that we've reached the end of the road together, but I cannot get past feeling this is all my fault. I'm heartbroken. Utterly and completely. The thing that I've been dreading most, that I've been scared of most, all the years I've been working with her has finally happened.
Labels: acceptance, honesty, therapist