Put a lid on it

I had my appointment with the psychologist. It was hard to know where to even begin with describing what's been going on, so here's the potted version of what happened - I cried, a lot. I explained the situation as best I could. She's going to speak to Therapist. Yes I can do dbt, but not until March. No, she's not in a position to offer me on-going sessions, although she will see me in two weeks time after she's spoken to Therapist. I cried some more. She asked me to try headspace every day between now and the next time I see her, and note how I feel before and after. I cried some more. And that was it.

And now I'm home. I thought I was tired yesterday. I'm beyond tired today. Thankfully, I also seem to be pretty much beyond thinking or feeling. I've no idea what the outcome of her conversation with Therapist will be, or if it will have any impact on the plan to finish with her. If it doesn't change things and we do finish, I don't know what will happen between now and March in terms of support.

Yesterday I felt like the arse had fallen out of my world, earlier today was much the same. I've more or less decided that all the difficult conversations of the last few days, and impending decisions of the next few weeks have to go into a box, and the lid has to be nailed firmly on, because I do not know how I will cope otherwise. Starting Monday I'm on a break from work for 5 weeks. Monday is also my last session with Therapist for 6 weeks, if not for good. Unless all this stuff is boxed up, unless I have plans, I will spend my five weeks off being miserable, anxious, possibly depressed and unable to engage with my kids the way I want. I can't let that happen.

So I'm going to go make lists. I'm going to plan fun stuff I can do with my kids. I'm going to Denmark next week to see my sister, I might spend a few days in Kildare with my family when I get back. The sun might put in an appearance, although I'm not going to hold my breath on that one. And I'm going to try my absolute hardest not to let all this get the better of me. I've too much to lose.

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