I'm angry. I'm really, really angry. I said last night that I was pissed about how unsupported the hospital has left me this last week, but it's more than that, it's their whole attitude. There's the psych unit on one hand and all the difficulties I've had with them over the years, but then A&E last week..........they just let me walk out!! One minute I'm on a trolley hooked up to a drip, the next, quite literally, I've been unhooked and told I'm discharged (with a very confusing conversation in between in which a nurse told me I was being admitted, and the psychiatrist told me I wasn't). That's it. No comment on what happened, whether or not I did any lasting damage, if there's anything I should look out for, any possible side effects. No question as to how I was getting home, if I had anyone waiting for me, if I was even in a position to contact anyone. Nothing. I literally walked out into the waiting room, went into the toilet to pull off the various electrode type things that were dotted over me, and wandered out into the carpark, where I had to ring Hubby to come get me. He was forty minutes away. Forty minutes in which I had to find somewhere to put myself in my completely dazed and disoriented state. I was dizzy, I'd barely eaten, I was really thirsty, and I hadn't a bean on me so I couldn't even go and get myself a cup of tea and sit somewhere. Instead I just started walking, and eventually Hubby picked me up.
How is that ok? I get that some people will be pissed off at what I've just written, after all, I had created the situation myself so why should it be any different? Why should anyone be looking out for me? I don't get what it takes to get help in this country, I really don't. I wonder sometimes, and increasingly of late, whether this kind of behaviour, which might garner a different reaction for someone else, is being classed as typical bpd attention seeking behaviour and so not worthy of response? But here's the thing. I've tried explaining how much I'm struggling, but that hasn't worked. My GP has tried explaining, that hasn't worked. Things got out of control and last week happened. That didn't work. What exactly do I have to do? I'm not even sure what it is I expect at this point. I guess in an ideal world scenario my GP, psychiatrist and Therapist would communicate with each other and find some kind of short term solution to get me over this blip. But Therapist is private, so she's out of the loop, and god only knows when the hospital will get in touch with my GP. Surely there should be some kind of community care for when things like this happen? Someone who can act as a bridge between services until the crisis has passed? At the very least be available for a quick phone call when I get overwhelmed? I cannot be the only person who has found themselves in this position, and I've no doubt there are people out there in worse situations, people who don't have the family support I have. What happens to them?
I am almost constantly wrestling with the urge to hurt myself lately. I haven't done, not since Monday, but it's taking everything I've got not to. I'm not doing this for attention. How I feel is not a choice. I'm choosing to fight it. But I really feel like my family and I have been left to fight it alone.
Labels: anger, borderline personality disorder, family, frustration, impulse control, self harm, support, treatment