'Imagine having BPD just for a day. Imagine seeing life through the eyes of someone with this disorder…
Look again at somebody with BPD, what is it you see now?”
- Someone thinks you’re ‘needy’, with BPD; you just need to know you’re loved.
- A person points out your flaws, with BPD, you already know your flaws, you obsess about them, all of the time.
- Someone tries to encourage you by pointing out how you could improve on something, with BPD, you only hear the words, ‘you’re a failure.’
- Somebody doesn't ring you when they said they would, with BPD this means they've abandoned you.
- Somebody asks what you could possibly have to be depressed about, with BPD, you now feel ashamed for feeling this way.
- Someone tells you to stop being so negative, with BPD, this only intensifies how you feel.
- People tell you that the bad days will pass; with BPD you feel that they don’t understand.
- Someone tells you that they’re too busy to see you; with BPD it means that you have become a burden on them.
- Someone changes your routine; with BPD they've upturned your world.
— Mind, The Mental Health Charity
I came across this post a few days ago and all of it, literally, all of it, rings true. I read everything that people say and do, and very often read entire conversations into what they don't say. I'm not good at this game, I frequently misinterpret. Something that might not even register as a blip on someone else's radar becomes an obsession for me. If I perceive that I've pissed someone off, I have got to fix it, now, or better still, yesterday. I'll want to explain myself, apologise, explain myself some more, check how they're feeling, make sure they're not pissed off with me. If they don't respond to me, no matter what the reason (they're at work, asleep, busy, or possibly genuinely pissed off with me), it instantly becomes my fault. In my head, I'll have created a scenario whereby this person will no longer want anything to do with me, the relationship is doomed, and my world will come crashing down. It's virtually impossible to distract myself from something like this. The worst part is, the more I try and fix something, the more likely I am to cause whoever is on the receiving end to become frustrated with me, and I actually end up creating a reason for them to be genuinely pissed off with me. To date, none of the scenarios I've created have actually played out, but each time it happens if feels like the worst thing in the entire world. Each time it resolves itself, the relief is immense, and I swear I won't let it happen again. Ha.
I think this is possibly the situation I've been playing out with Therapist over and over and over again, except I'm stuck at the part where she's pissed off with me. It doesn't matter what she says or does to reassure me otherwise, because I don't believe her. Won't? Can't? Combination? I suspect this is something that needs to be worked on, because it impacts on almost every single relationship I have - with Hubby, with family, with friends, with work colleagues. The only place it doesn't come into play is with the kids.
'Someone changes your routine; with BPD they've upturned your world'
This was the start of the end
with Therapist, when she stopped making allowances for bank holidays. For me, this confirmed all my belief that she doesn't care, that I'm a burden, that she's pissed off with me, that she's pushing me away. I spent months not being able to articulate it, because I didn't know what the problem was. Now I can articulate it, but it's too late. I have two sessions left with her. I'll try and talk about this. I know it won't change anything, but I think I need to put it out there. Once we get to the end of the last session, there needs to be nothing left unsaid, no matter how hard to say it, because I won't get another chance.
Labels: abandonment, attachment, borderline personality disorder, boundaries, perception, therapist, transference