I was out for a walk with the dogs this evening when it occurred to me that I wanted to sit down and write when I got home. There's been so much going on, a lot has changed. I'm not in a position yet to reflect in any great depth about how it makes me feel, because to be honest, there's too much feeling if I allow myself to think on it, and it has already proven to be overwhelming more than once.
So, here's where I'm at. Following on from the last time I wrote about Therapist, we've had one further session, during which she confirmed what I was most afraid of - it's not a good idea for us to continue working together any more. She doesn't see this as a failure by any means, nor is it rejection. It's simply that we've come as far as we can, and I now need something other that what she can give. She's currently on leave for 6 weeks, I'll have two further sessions when she gets back to bring things to an end, and then that's it. No 180 this time, because the decision is out of my hands.
I also mentioned before I had met with the hospital psychologist, and she suggested that dbt would be the way forward for me. I saw her again yesterday, so she will be making a formal referral for me to the dbt programme, and she agrees that it would not be advisable for me to continue with Therapist any longer. But, here's the clanger. Well actually, two clangers. The first is that dbt won't start until March (there's a very slim possibility of a place in September, but there's a waiting list, and only one place so it's extremely unlikely to happen). The second? She's doesn't think it would be a good plan for me to start seeing another therapist in the interim, as she sees one of two things happening - a new therapist would likely end up on a higher pedestal that Therapist currently is, leaving me in an even worse position than I already am, or else I'd go to the other extreme and there's no way anyone else could ever measure up to her. To conclude - everyone agrees that I should finish with Therapist. Everyone agrees I need dbt. But..........there may be a six month gap between the two.
As you can imagine, this was all incredibly difficult to hear, and the prospect of 6 months with no support, given how challenging the last few months have been, is pretty scary. The psychologist agreed to see me for three more sessions, not for therapy but to give me some pre dbt strategies to be working with, either in preparation for the programme starting in September should the place come through, or else to help me manage the next few months. I think their biggest concern is that I'll hurt myself again, so the starting point for that is to do what she called 'surf the urge' - if it comes up again, that rather than either acting on it, or trying to force it down, I acknowledge it, and ride it out. Sounds so simple...........she also suggested using ice (rubbing it over my arms, holding it in my hands), or a cold shower, or dunking my head in a sink of cold water - apparently this is one of the TIP skills of dbt, but I don't know enough about it to be able to tell you about it in any great detail.
So there you have it. There is an absolute whirlwind of emotion flying around about all of this - sometimes I'm fine and can see that it's the right decision, other times I'm quite literally floored by it and feel like the arse is falling out of my world. The transition between these two frames of mind can happen in an instant, which is why I'm avoiding thinking on it all in any great detail.
For the next while, I'm pretty much just working on staying in the moment, because if I give myself even an inch I'll get completely caught up in thinking about how these last two sessions with Therapist will pan out, how I'll feel, what I'll do, how I'll cope..........but it's too far away, and out of my control, so I really need to work to reign that one in. I'm going with day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute if needs be. The psychologist asked me to commit to one act of self care daily, so I'm back to yoga and walking. After that? Dig in, hang on, keep going. And instagram.
Labels: acceptance, attachment, borderline personality disorder, DBT, impulse control, Self care, self harm, therapist, yoga