I wanted to write today, about the truth of what I feel versus truth of what I've been told, and the great gaping chasm that's between the two. But yet again, I find the words won't come, or at least, not in a way that I'm happy with, or a way that makes sense. It's almost as if I'm writing about someone else, and keeping things very much at arms length. I don't want to get too close to feeling, because I'm scared of how completely overwhelming it is. I'm very much aware that I don't want to face the reality of the next few weeks, and the fact that Therapist will soon no longer be a part of my life. I also feel utterly ridiculous about the impact that it is having on me, it feels beyond melodramatic.
I'm still very much in two minds about the future of this blog. I've come full circle, from stepping away from shame and feeling stigmatised, to stepping right back into that hole. I'm so sorry to admit that, but right now, and for the last few weeks, I am ashamed of everything that I've written about, everything I've said, everything I've done, everything I am. I've drawn so much attention to myself, and for what? Sometimes I'd love to take it all back. Sometimes I wish I'd stayed anonymous. I really do wonder what all of this has been for, whether or not it has achieved anything. Did I just do it for validation? For attention? Is it like my relationship with Therapist - it served a purpose but is no longer required? Or does it need to change, to adapt? Maybe it needs to be less about me, and more about process. Maybe when (if ever!!!!!!) I start dbt that will bring the blog in a new direction. Maybe I'm as stuck here as I am with Therapist.
So many questions. So few answers. And no one to talk to about it. But I still have all this...........
..........and that makes everything ok.
Labels: attachment, blogging, borderline personality disorder, DBT, shame, stigma, therapist